4.3 On session three
The first two times, it was suggested to me to think about a theme for the trip, assume an intention, ask a question. It was not supposed to be a goal but a direction. I ignored it the first two times, but I decided not to this time.
The first trip was very “intellectual”; and the second one was about the flow of sensations. Here's what I want: I want to switch between these two modes calmly, organically, and appropriately to the immediate surroundings. I want to think through the things that ought to be thought through; I want to simply live through the things that ought to be lived through. And I want this impulse to come from within; I want it to nudge me.
It'd be great to effortlessly swim in both observatory and participatory ways of seeing. Bring it all.
Also, before the injection, the therapist told me that during the second session, it looked like I was resisting a little, and he reminded me that although it's natural, it'd be beneficial if I'd accept EVERYTHING that happens.
With these things in mind, we upped the dose one more time, and I laid on the bed.
Hard'n'Heavy
Lots of heaviness was a new thing, plain physical heaviness from the pillow that was there for all three sessions, but now it grabbed disproportionally more of my attention. Hands were hard (as in sturdy) and cold to the touch.
Lots of unpleasant shit flew right into my face. But it was okay, paradoxically. You live through these unpleasantries and weighty experiences, but they don't touch you, really. Yeah, it's dark, but it's not bad; it just is. And the less resistant you are to it, the less painful the process will be. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional, yadda yadda.
Back'n'forth
I touched on some of my core beliefs and lived through an experience that reasserted them to me.
1.
One of my core beliefs is that death is not that big of a deal. I managed to gather quite a bunch of rational points to back this up, but the doubt never gave in entirely. What if I don't truly believe it? What if it's just a protective mechanism to shelter me from future losses I cannot handle? During the session, I lived through a range of images that seemed to construct some kind of empirical foundation for that thought. Now I know I believe it.
2.
Something similar occurred with my conviction in the illusory nature of everyday life. I got convinced that was the case, but the insights I arrived at turned my initial predisposition upside down. Now it's not a reason to feel isolated; it's a reason to feel fully embedded. The real/illusory dichotomy is not of primary importance; the involvement trumps all other things.
3.
There's a difference between the things we think are true and things the truth of which we personally lived through. And I felt it especially sharply with this shard of sensation — “Sometimes I'm right.”
If I were to pick up just one thing from the whole series, it'd be that one.
Before, I believed that no matter what I thought or believed, I must not stop digging until I found an error in it, a mistake, some logical gap. Who would've thunk you actually can skip this task altogether. Yes, testing your convictions still makes sense, but the success criterion is not a mistake found.
That changes a lot. When I'm tasked to find where I'm wrong, I will not stop looking, and if there's nothing to be found, I'll start inventing things. And that's a road to severe distortions in perception that would cause some real hassle.
Sometimes I'm right. And also, there is an I, and it does participate. And in the circumstances I find myself in, this “I” must be lived through. It must not be avoided.
This trip was the easiest to get back from. I just stopped this rush I had before: “ALRIGHT I'M BACK I'M BACK LET'S GO LET'S MOVE ON.” If I need to lie down for another 10 more minutes, it means I need to lie down for 10 more fucking minutes.
***
I found myself on the bed. The two doctors, my therapist, and the other therapist who made the injection, sitting in their armchairs left and right to me. They listened to me pack my three trips into the fundamental three-act story structure suitcase. In a mix of Czech and English, they concluded that something comparable happened with another patient.
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Andrey